Why, oh why?

Accepting yourself, faults and strengths alike, is harder than it seems. I feel like my faults are looming over me, and my good qualities are never enough to mount the ladder to get over the negative. Why is that?

I can't be alone in this, can I?

Why can I not see the good that others see in me as worthy of attention? Why is it that the negatives grab so much attention? The failures, the unfinished business, the unpaid bills. Why do I have a hard time loving myself, when I feel like I love others deeply?

Luckily, I have incredible family and friends that look past my obvious faults and love me regardless of it, in spite of it.

I'm having some breakthroughs, don't get me wrong. I had a patient compliment me, them give me a hug. I fought back the haunting thoughts of "if they knew the real me" and let myself receive the compliment. Later, driving home, I had to pull over, as the emotions rolled over me. I realized, at that point, that I hadn't truly loved myself for forever.

I realized that I was worthy of love, of being loved, of the nice things people say about me. Hey, its only taken 42 years.

I will close with this: it was inferred that I should maybe take an anti-depressant because I've been a bit down recently. I offer them to my patients on hospice, but it still took me by surprise. I can now honestly say that I appreciate the heart behind it, but I'm a searching soul. Finding out why I was so unhappy that week and fixing it, to me, is much more thrilling than just taking a pill and forgetting to search.

Take the time to ask yourself why, and don't be afraid of the answers.

I'll let you know as I search for mine. My line is open, my shoulders large, and my ears ready should you ever feel alone and need to talk.

Thanks for reading!