Depression vs. Introspection

As many of you know, I asked a lot of questions about myself and my thought process in my previous post. Yeah, I do that. Most of the time it is therapy for me to get it out of my head, read it, then tell myself to get on with this thing called life. That is exactly what that last post did for me. Well, that and a few others. It prompted some of you to reach out to me and share from your own lives very vulnerable struggles and experiences.

I so appreciate all of you. In being true to the original purpose of this blog, I am fascinated by the similarities we all share. We've all have dark moments, moments of doubt, moments of not knowing who your friends are, moments of wondering if you truly are a good person. I have had those times. You have as well. When you lay in bed, and it's quiet, sometimes those thoughts rattle the chains that you thought were holding them back. Is this depression, as some of you have hinted at, or is it healthy introspection? I chose to let it be a healthy introspection.

A friend sent me a list of what it is to be clinically depressed. Yes, I asked her for it, and since she is getting into the field of psychology, I thought she would be a terrific resource. She is, by the way, also one of my best friends. I am happy to report that I do not experience any of those items on the list. Yes, I feel weighted down sometimes (who doesn't?) and I feel bah-humbug about the holidays (I am finding people do feel that way). The point is, I'm not depressed. I am, however, introspective. I like to look into what makes people, myself included, tick. Why we behave like we do, why we respond to certain situations in different ways, etc.

I have come up with my own psychology model: People behave in a certain way because it works for them, and they will stop behaving in that way once it stops working for them. How does this apply to my own introspective questions? Obviously, because it works for me. I have negative thoughts about myself because if I let me love myself, I will have to accept myself. Think about it: If I accept myself, then I must accept the bad with the good. I must say that it's okay to let people down once in a while, to not always communicate appropriately, to not have a six figure income, to not have my app idea be hugely successful (which reminds me, I gotta work on that sucker!). I have to be okay with failure. I don't have to accept failure, or hurting others, but I must accept that I am capable of it. This whole concept of trying to look perfect is THE fool's errand! I chose to not let this negativity work for me and accept myself for who I am, always striving to be batter, but knowing that I WILL fall, but I will pick myself up and KEEP GOING!

Look around at your own sphere of influence. Your personal impact on this world. Look at those who have influenced you and pick out the three that are perfect, that never made a mistake. Can't think of three, try two. Can't find two, how about one. Right! No one is perfect! How much respect do you have for the people in your life that have flaws, that admit their failures and press on? I for one, have a ton of respect for those that can admit their weaknesses and failures but still press on!

My grandfather is one example of someone who made mistakes and pushed on. As a child I thought this man could do no wrong. I can still his voice say "Stevie,...." whenever he addressed me. Everyone loved him, his house was immaculate, his garden lush, his garage organized. Everyone that met him fell in love with him and he "adopted" many into our family. But the night before he passed, I laid in bed next to him and he basically told me "Don't ever get so involved with Church or other good activities and neglect your children." He went on to tell me how much he failed as a father to his son, my uncle, David. How he pushed him away, how he beat him with a switch in the woodshed for the slightest of offenses, all while being a deacon at church. He was so ashamed of that part of his life, that when he realized it, it was too late to change it for his son, but he did change. He became a very gentle, loving man, so much so that I had a hard time believing his story. My mom backed up his story later. He was my hero before this story, but he became a superhero by his vulnerability and how he changed.

I respect people who are real with me. I know I have let some of you down in the past, I probably will in the future, just so you are prepared. One thing I will tell you: if you do feel like you may be clinically depressed, go see a doctor. There are a lot of treatment options. If you are just feeling introspective, join the human race and lets do this thing together!

Much love to you all!

Why, oh why?

Accepting yourself, faults and strengths alike, is harder than it seems. I feel like my faults are looming over me, and my good qualities are never enough to mount the ladder to get over the negative. Why is that?

I can't be alone in this, can I?

Why can I not see the good that others see in me as worthy of attention? Why is it that the negatives grab so much attention? The failures, the unfinished business, the unpaid bills. Why do I have a hard time loving myself, when I feel like I love others deeply?

Luckily, I have incredible family and friends that look past my obvious faults and love me regardless of it, in spite of it.

I'm having some breakthroughs, don't get me wrong. I had a patient compliment me, them give me a hug. I fought back the haunting thoughts of "if they knew the real me" and let myself receive the compliment. Later, driving home, I had to pull over, as the emotions rolled over me. I realized, at that point, that I hadn't truly loved myself for forever.

I realized that I was worthy of love, of being loved, of the nice things people say about me. Hey, its only taken 42 years.

I will close with this: it was inferred that I should maybe take an anti-depressant because I've been a bit down recently. I offer them to my patients on hospice, but it still took me by surprise. I can now honestly say that I appreciate the heart behind it, but I'm a searching soul. Finding out why I was so unhappy that week and fixing it, to me, is much more thrilling than just taking a pill and forgetting to search.

Take the time to ask yourself why, and don't be afraid of the answers.

I'll let you know as I search for mine. My line is open, my shoulders large, and my ears ready should you ever feel alone and need to talk.

Thanks for reading!